[AT] Truck & Tractor Tool Guide
jfgrant
jfgrant at triton.net
Tue Mar 15 10:51:11 PST 2005
OLD TRUCK & TRACTOR
MECHANIC'S TOOL GUIDE
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is used as a
kind
of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are
trying to hit.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling
mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear
wheel.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the chaos principle. It
transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more
you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available,
they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your
hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your garage on fire.
METRIC SOCKETS: Once used for working on Japanese cars, they are now used
mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for
the last 15 minutes.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your drink across the room, splattering it against that freshly
painted part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and
hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch!"
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a car to the ground after you have
installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly
under the front fender.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering the car upward off a
hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic
floor jack.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop
light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is
not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main
purpose is to consume 60-watt light bulbs as fast as you can screw them into
the socket. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt. It can also be used, as
the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power
plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by
hose to an impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago,
and rounds them off.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the precious metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent screw.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
ARC WELDING RODS - Device designed to stick to everything but the item you
want to weld. When you do finally get it to work, the weld sticks to the
item alongside where you wanted to weld. Also designed to heat metal to
unbelievable temperatures, without it appearing to be hot .. and at the
same time, installing an automatic hand guidance system .. thus ensuring
you grab it with a bare hand, just 20 seconds after you forgot it was hot..
ANGLE GRINDER - Device guaranteed to set fire to all the rags and open tins
of highly flammable cleaning fluids, at the far end of the shop, that you
were sure the sparks couldn't reach ..
DRILL - Device invented to find every blunt drill you own .. which, once
you miraculously find a sharp drill, is guaranteed to burn out, when you
have 2 critical holes left to drill ..
LARGE FLAT BLADE SCREWDRIVER - Device which beckons you to use it as a pry
bar and chisel .. and which, 30 seconds after you break the end off, doing
so .. is needed to undo those large flat blade screws you just discovered ..
SCREW EXTRACTORS - Cunning devices designed with just enough strength of
metal, that ensures they break off in the broken stud, just as the stud
starts to move .. the speed at which they break off, is directly in
proportion to the inaccessibility of the spot where the broken stud is
located ..
... and I'm sure, there's a lot more ....
More information about the AT
mailing list