[AT] Truck & Tractor Tool Guide Part One

[jfgrant]

Subject: Truck & Tractor Tool Guide
Part One




               OLD TRUCK & TRACTOR
              MECHANIC'S TOOL GUIDE

 HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is used as a 
kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we 
are  trying to hit.

 ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their 
holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling
 mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear 
wheel.

 PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

 HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the chaos principle. It 
transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more 
you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

 VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, 
they  can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your 
hand.

 OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable 
objects in your garage on fire.

 METRIC SOCKETS: Once used for working on Japanese cars, they are now used 
mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for 
the last 15 minutes.

 DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat 
metal  bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
 flings  your drink across the room, splattering it against that freshly 
painted part  you were drying.

 WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under 
the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and 
hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch!"

 HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a car to the ground after you have 
installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly 
under the front fender.

 EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering the car upward off a 
hydraulic jack.

 TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

 PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic 
floor jack.

 TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop 
light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is 
not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main 
purpose is to consume 60-watt light bulbs as fast as you can screw them into 
the socket. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

 PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style 
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt. It can also be used, as 
the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

 AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning 
power
 plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by 
hose to an impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago, 
and rounds them off.

 PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the precious metal surrounding that clip or 
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent screw.

 HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

 ARC WELDING RODS - Device designed to stick to everything but the item you 
want to weld. When you do finally get it to work, the weld sticks to the 
item alongside where you wanted to weld. Also designed to heat metal to
 unbelievable temperatures, without it  appearing to be hot .. and at the 
same time, installing an automatic hand  guidance system .. thus ensuring
 you grab it with a bare hand, just 20  seconds after you forgot it was 
hot..